Yo, Phil, Knock it Off!

Signs of spring are everywhere – from the proliferation of antihistamine coupons in the Sunday paper insert to the marauding band of deer waiting to chow down on the fresh new shoots of my hosta plants; from the black rat snake that slithered across my driveway yesterday to the industrious hoard of wasps (now deceased) invading my screened-in porch; and most especially, the persistent male cardinal that has been pecking incessantly on the windows of our sunroom, which serves as my home office, for two days now.

Man, it’s tough to get a date …

This bird, let’s call him Phil, no doubt sees his reflection and believes he is valiantly fighting another male cardinal for the affections of a female cardinal. He imagines the girl birds will swoon over his strength and bravery and he vows not to give up the fight until that other male bird backs down.

The female cardinals, on the other hand, are probably perched on a branch across the yard, laughing at what a fool Phil is making of himself, wetting their feathers at the spectacle of Phil’s futile fight against his own reflection.

Poor Phil. He needs some sort of intervention, perhaps a pharmaceutical intervention, a padded beak protector, or a girlfriend. In the meantime, I have no choice but to continue with my new spring ritual, whereby I jump out of my chair every time Phil lands on the windowsill, bang on the window and yell, “YO, PHIL, KNOCK IT OFF!”

The Power of One

45 years later… you learn the troubled 10 year old, with low self-esteem and other issues, has blossomed into a most amazing, caring, giving person who is made Chief of Police, all because someone cared 45 years ago.

Subject: THANK YOU

Hello Mrs. A., I owe you a debt that I can never repay. You were my teacher from [school name omitted].  Prior to this I had been shunted through various “special education classes” where very little real effort was made to educate. The program seemed designed to remove problem children from the “normal” students. I spent years in that emotionally and intellectually toxic atmosphere. Many of my classmates were profoundly challenged. You can imagine what effect this had on a young child’s self-esteem.

Everyone had given up on me. Most importantly I had given up on myself. There was no hope, until a bright, lovely and enthusiastic young teacher entered my life. You recognized potential seen by no one else. With indefinite patience you pushed and prodded me. Within a year I was back on track.

Today I have a Master’s Degree and I’m considering a Doctoral program. This Thursday, March 28, I will be promoted to Chief of the Police Department. The ceremony will be held at [omitted]. Refreshments, sandwiches, etc., will be served immediately following the ceremony. I would be honored if you could attend. 

I shudder to think of what my life would have been if not for you. Words fail to convey my sense of gratitude but words are all I have. THANK YOU!

________________________________________________

This powerful letter was received by Marsha A., who has been a friend of our family since before I was born.  She graciously gave me permission to share it here to illustrate the profound difference that one person can make in the life of a child. You don’t need to be a teacher or parent to reach out and show a child that he or she matters. We’ve all got a little Marsha in us!

HGWP

A little bit of colorful inspiration for those of you thinking of renovating anything…

HGTV, I love you. You inspire me to dream big, watching people undertake heroic renovations of butt-ugly houses, search for perfect second homes in exotic locations, and transform sad tired yards into horticultural treasures.

HGTV, I hate you. You make me feel guilty that my spring yard isn’t bursting with glorious flowering perennials, ashamed of the circa-1985 fixtures that we have yet to replace, and lazy for choosing not to start smashing our cracked ceramic tile floors with a sledgehammer.

So, in a remarkably sedentary effort, I have channeled that envy and guilt into another venture, HG-WordPress, where I have just completed my first renovation – welcome to the new and improved Big Sheep Blog. That’s right, I’ve changed the look of the place: new theme; new colors; newly rearranged sidebar information and even some new information on the About page.

It cost me nothing but a little bit of time. I made zero trips to the local home improvement store. I did not sustain any DIY injuries. So, yeah, my home and yard still need some attention (okay, lots of attention), but doesn’t my blog look nice?

That Ain’t No Place for a Gummy Bear

Is there an auditory equivalent of doing a double-take?   You know, you’re driving along and see something unusual by the side of the road, like a guy walking two llamas on leashes, so you whip your head around to confirm what you think you saw? (For the record, I have seen a guy walking two llamas on leashes in the parking lot of our local courthouse. I blogged about it a while ago, but I’m too lazy this morning to find the post and give you a link. Sorry.)

This morning I was driving along, listening to a talk radio program. I was enduring the usual commercials for Lasik surgery, bariatric surgery, a local plumbing company and a cosmetic surgeon who has not only “enhanced” some really famous, but unnamed, reality TV stars, but who also offers the latest and greatest advance in breast implants. These miracle implants are far more natural in touch and appearance than the typical implants, says the spokeswoman. They are, she says, “Gummy Bear Implants.”

Gummy bears call an emergency meeting to discuss the latest outrage.

That’s where the auditory double-take occurred, though I managed not to veer off the road despite the vivid and disturbing double-D image that the term “Gummy Bear Implants” evoked in my head.  I try not to judge, at least not out loud, but I was already troubled by a culture that finds it desirable to surgically shove silicone filled balloons into women’s breasts. And now? To corrupt the innocent gummy bear with such a barbaric fate is simply more than I can handle, not to mention the difficulty those women are going to have finding bras that fit.

I’m seriously thinking about switching radio stations. Then again, I wouldn’t want to miss out on future llamas on leashes, you know?

And how old is your underwear?

Yes, it’s every bit as uncomfortable as it looks.

My technology needs and wants are pretty basic. I care nothing about having the latest gadgets and I don’t wish to be internet connected every minute of my life.  My computer is indispensable, of course, and I have a cellphone so my kids can contact me when they need to, but I don’t have a smart phone, a Kindle, an iPad or even an iPod, and that’s cool with me.

My little cellphone has served me well for more than 5 years. Sure, the fact that it lacks a keyboard is annoying, though I burn lots of extra calories texting with only the standard numeric keypad, but the hassle of selecting and learning a new cellphone has been enough of a disincentive that I haven’t taken the plunge.

Now, the phone has begun freezing up when I try to text a message, a clear sign that the time has come to upgrade. When my husband learned this last night, his first reaction was to offer to tell me how to fix the phone I have. I declined, saying it really was time for me to have a phone with a keyboard. He then suggested I call AT&T and find out if I can get a free upgrade. I assured him that I would attempt to get a free phone, but if not, I would get the most economical option available. He was apparently concerned that I would come home with a diamond encrusted smart phone of some sort, along with a data plan that would require a second mortgage on our home.

It’s perplexing that my husband sometimes forgets just how low maintenance I am. You’d think it would be fresh in his mind because when he recently asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s Day, I said I wanted the burned out light bulbs in the lamp post by the driveway replaced so I don’t have to retrieve the newspaper in total darkness each morning. (Yes, he granted that wish.)

I’m not the kind of person who has a closet full of expensive shoes and designer handbags. I don’t run out to buy a few rolls of toilet paper, and accidently return home with a new Lexus. In reminding my husband of my low maintenance nature last night, I said, “I have underwear older than our children (who, by the way, are teens not toddlers).”  To which my husband and daughter replied, in unison, “EEWWWW!”

Point made.

Rx

Bullshitia is a prescription medication for the treatment of symptoms of Hypochondragullability. Hypochondragullability is a serious medical condition. Symptoms include the strong belief that you have one or more health problems created and propagated by the marketing executives of Pharmaceutico and the willingness to take absolutely any medication your doctor may randomly prescribe for you.

Bullshitia is not for everyone. Patients who are pregnant, nursing, may become pregnant or who are the product of a pregnancy, should not use Bullshitia. Do not take Bullshitia if you have experienced an allergic reaction to Bullshitia in the past or if you are averse to adverse side effects. Call your doctor to find out if Bullshitia is right for you.

Bullshitia is safe and effective when taken as directed. Side effects have been reported and may include upset stomach, dizziness, flatulence, drowsiness, insomnia, rashes, unwanted hair, weight gain, sexual dysfunction, sensitivity to sunlight and total darkness, confusion, nervous tics, numbness of the extremities, heavy sweating, and hallucinations especially hallucinations involving a green butterfly fluttering around you as you sleep. These side effects are mild to moderate and may or may not decrease over time. If you experience any of these side effects, tough it out, you sissy. Do not stop taking Bullshitia unless directed to by your doctor because stopping Bullshitia may cause a precipitous drop in Pharmaceutico’s profit margins.

Serious side effects are rare because Bullshitia is safe and because when serious side effects are reported to Pharmaceutico, we take them seriously but pretend they were caused by something else. Rarely, if ever, do we report such side effects to the FDA, which rarely, if ever, takes any action even if we do. Stop taking Bullshitia immediately and call your doctor if you experience a sudden loss of consciousness or the cessation of all vital signs.

If you cannot afford Bullshitia, Pharmaceutico may be able to help. This generosity is made possible by the kindness of Pharmaceutico’s cold, soulless, corporate heart, and by charging obscenely inflated prices for Bullshitia to everyone else who takes it. We do this because we believe nobody, and we mean nobody, should have to go without Bullshitia.

Bullshitia should be taken with food and as many other Pharmaceutico medications as we can convince your doctor to prescribe for you. Do not operate a motor vehicle or heavy machinery or perform surgery until you know how Bullshitia affects you. Bullshitia is not known to be addictive, but severe withdrawal symptoms are likely if you dare to ever stop taking Bullshitia.

If you experience a worsening of the symptoms of Hypochondragullability while taking Bullshitia, contact your doctor as you may need a stronger dose of Bullshitia or may require additional Pharmaceutico medications.

On Twinkies and Assault Weapons

It came as no surprise that Twinkie lovers everywhere scrambled to stockpile the spongy cream-filled treats upon news that Twinkie-maker Hostess was shutting its doors. There were probably more than a few opportunists who also jumped aboard the Twinkie brigade for the sole purpose of potential future profits, hoping to safeguard the very last Twinkie supply until desperate panic set in, then offering the little chemical cylinders for sale on eBay for an exorbitant price.

Of course, there are people in the world who don’t particularly like Twinkies, including me. It’s not that I’m a snack cake snob, I simply don’t see the point if there is no chocolate involved.  Anyway, Hostess’s demise did not cause me to rush out and buy Twinkies. I didn’t buy them last week, last month or last year, and foresaw no need to buy them in the future. The fact that they may soon be unavailable did not create a need for me to have them. (You can probably guess where I’m going with this, right?)

Bad things happen when we allow Ding Dongs to purchase assault weapons.

This week, our local newspaper ran a story about how guns sales had jumped since the tragic mass shooting in Newtown, CT. Assault weapons and high capacity magazines are particularly hot sellers because people are anticipating a ban on purchasing them in the future. I imagine the same thing is going on in your community.

So, tell me – if you didn’t need an assault weapon last week, last month or last year, why do you need one now?  It’s simple logic: the possibility that something may become unavailable does not create a need where one did not already exist.  If you didn’t NEED to run out and buy a Twinkie in recent years and you didn’t NEED to run out and buy an assault rifle in recent years, why the hell are you buying them now?

Whatever your feelings may be on Twinkies and assault weapons, I wish you a very happy New Year. May it be filled with peace, compassion, good health and common sense. Oh, a little bit of prosperity wouldn’t hurt either.