As a keen observer of life’s absurdities, I blog about all sorts of things that amuse and annoy me. I’ve mentioned such diverse topics as mutant sheep with big butts, customer service, Ronald McDonald, birds drunk on fermented berries, Facebook, Twitter, Justin Bieber, Snooki and the woman who texted herself right into a fountain at the mall.
Out of all my posts, 2 stand out for having brought the most views to my blog from people who were searching specific terms. So, I offer a grateful thank you to Ronald McDonald and Snooki, who are responsible for a combined total of 731 views.
In the interest of full disclosure, I am not a fan of Ronald or Snooki. Snooki, I have never watched more than a minute of Jersey Shore and I am mystified by your success. Though I think you’re in your 20’s, you sport big 1980s hair and wear so much mascara that I don’t know how you keep your eyes open. You squish yourself into unflatteringly tight clothes, drink far too much alcohol and can’t seem to recite a complete sentence that is not liberally peppered with the F word. You make it uncomfortable for me to admit that I am, in fact, a Jersey Girl.
Ronald McDonald, I know I’m in the minority on this, but I have never fallen prey to the allure of cheap and greasy fast food. It’s not that I don’t like a good French fry, but overall I think your food is just, well, nasty. As for you personally, I’m sure you’re very nice for a clown and I don’t mean to be a clown bigot, but you and all your clown friends scare me. You’re creepy.
Together, however, Snooki and the Clown could be the next big power couple. Think of all they have in common – Snooki has big hair, Ronald has big shoes (come to think of it, Ronald’s hair is pretty big too); they share a fondness for make-up, lots and lots of make-up; and while Ronald poisons our young people into obesity and heart disease, Snooki is infecting their minds with repeated examples of how young people can become famous and make lots of money, despite having no talent and exerting no effort beyond what it takes to drink enough to fall down.
I imagine a large garish wedding, where guests will dine on Big Macs and drink until they pass out. Shortly thereafter, a new reality show about the newlyweds will premiere, followed quickly by allegations of extra-marital affairs and a messy divorce that will temporarily crash Twitter.
All of this will no doubt bump my blog stats up considerably. Remember, you heard it here first.