Here’s a scenario that undoubtedly plays out thousands of times a day all over the country. Perhaps this specific set of circumstances is a thinly disguised depiction of a real life situation, with names changed for obvious reasons, or perhaps it’s just a hypothetical, which I’ve cleverly devised to enable you to stretch your moral and/or parenting muscles. Either way, what would YOU do?
Just because your friends are getting arrested, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
The Teenager: Mom, I think Thomas Wexler is in jail. [Thomas is a 16 year old acquaintance.]
The Mom: What makes you think that?
The Teenager: This comment he made on Facebook. Plus, all he ever talks about on Facebook is smoking weed.
The Mom: Huh. That’s a shame.
The Mom then goes into stealth mode, attempting to check Thomas’s Facebook page for herself. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), Thomas has restricted his FB page to friends only. The Mom determines that Thomas’ Mama is not one of Thomas’ FB friends.
Hmmm. What to do? The Mom is acquainted with Thomas’ Mama, but they are not really friends. Thomas and his Mama moved away a few years ago and The Mom has not had any contact with Thomas’ Mama in quite some time. Thomas’ Mama is a very astute woman. It’s unlikely she’s oblivious to the situation. The Mom is quite sure that if Thomas is a pothead, his Mama is well aware.
Still, The Mom wonders if she should contact Thomas’ Mama and give her a heads up about the FB postings. Is there a tactful way to pop up out of someone’s past and say, “hey, thought you’d want to know that your kid’s smoking his future away?”
Curse you, Facebook, for presenting parents everywhere with a moral dilemma. It’s bad enough that we have to feel guilty when we choose not to accept a Friend invitation from someone we know, but don’t want to connect with, and now this!
Alright, my brilliant friends, time to weigh in. What would you do?
I am not a parent. But I think kids were MUCH better off when they knew all the parents in the neighborhood were keeping an eye on them.
So true.
We’re facing a dilemma similar to this with some neighbors whose daughter is “embracing” her adolescence.
Our feeling was “What if the tables were turned? What would we want?” And then how to put it diplomatically (“I’m sure it’s nothing, but…” “This made me wonder, and thought I’d mention it in case you want to investigate…”)
That’s a good tact to take – I may have to borrow that : )
Difficult. My kid often said “look at this” or “guess what” followed by “don’t tell his/her parents”
Usually I stayed quiet because despite outward appearances, the other moms generally suspected something was going on.
Difficult if you aren’t close enough to their mom to give a heads up.
I wouldn’t corner the kid and grill him – but if he is a frequent visitor carefully indicate I was aware of situation.
Things usually resolve themselves
Just keep communication with your kid open and let them know about the “he who lies down with dogs, gets up with fleas” thing.
Hard raising kids these days
Very hard! You definitely don’t want to risk future communication by “outing” a child who tells you stuff.
Exactly.
Yet another reason why I’m glad I don’t have kids of my own. That’s a tough one. I have absolutely no expertise or basis for offering advice, but what would happen if the hypothetical Mom brought it up with the hypothetical teenager again? Something like, “Hey, have you heard from Thomas lately? Is he okay?”
If the hypothetical teenager mentioned it in the first place, he might be worried and wondering what to do. Maybe he wants The Mom to mention it to The Mama, but he needs to hide behind “I can’t believe my Mom did that” in order to stay friends with Thomas.
It might open up an interesting discussion about drug use… or it might just initiate some surly teenage monosyllabic grunts. Who knows? Good luck.
Oh, so many twists and turns! Ack!
Tough one!
I have a friend who I respect very much. She lets her daughter have a FB account and does not monitor it. Her daughter, however, asked to friend me and I often find inappropriate things (in my opinion for a 13 yr old girl) on her FB page. I actually have gotten into the habit of contacting said girl and saying things like “hey, I know its none of my business but ….” I try not to make it naggy or too often, but I find when I do this she actually takes my advice. I have noticed her on-line presence becoming more appropriate and she says she appreciates the fact that someone is looking out for her well-being.
As far your telling an acquaintance that their child is smoking marijuana, the mom may not know. Kids do get away with things from time to time and she may appreciate a heads up. I would want to know if it was my child. Perhaps make a few contact calls ahead of time so you are not caught with “Hey, how have you been? Did you know your kid is smoking pot?”
You’re a good friend : ) You’re right – sometimes parents don’t see what’s right in front of them. Hmmm, what to do, what to do…
This is one of those rare moments when I too am glad I don’t have children. To me it is all about trust. If your child has told you something in confidence will they ever trust you again if you break that confidence. I have had to deal with this with family members. My niece will come to me with problems because I have never broken a confidence with her. Her mother has so she doesn’t speak to her. I will always make sure she is safe and tell her the truth about what she is doing or saying but I will not break her confidence because I know what it means to her. Her mother is grateful that I do this and sorry she screwed up. So, to me is it something your daughter really wants to be kept confidential or was she telling you so that you would do something about it? I think it comes down to each individual kid and how you read them. You are a good mom and whatever you decide will be the right thing.
I appreciate the vote of confidence
and you sound like a spectacular aunt! This boy is only a former classmate and not a close friend, so I don’t think she wanted or expected me to do anything with the information. Of course, she’d be mortified if I did say something and he found out where the info came from.
I am of two minds. My beloved brother was a total pothead 40 years ago. He did not proclaim it on facebook but only because it hadn’t been invented yet.
Keeping communications open is the key here. Do you know anyone who knows the other mother better who might advise? The trouble is, these days, that normal straying off the beaten path now ends up with jail time instead of a slap on the wrist like we all got. The folks that strayed, that is. Not me. I was perfect.
…and you’re still perfect. I do know someone who knows this mom well, but I’d hate to feel like I was spreading the information to 3rd parties. I wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone. Of course, if this kid was in jail, his mom definitely knows because he’s a juvenile. Facebook, I hate you.
This is a really touchy area. The beauty of this situation is, since this isn’t a close friend or relative, you don’t have to worry that giving her a heads up will destroy a friendship.
I go along with others – I would want to know, so do unto others, etc. However, I realize that many parents DON’T want to know and won’t believe.
I agree, I’d want to know, but I’ reasonably confident that this particular mother already knows. Then again, I could be completely wrong!
An excellent question. If I were you (and i was in this situation once, actually maybe more than once) I would ask my own son what he thinks we should do. Often kids are way better at this kind of thing that we are.
I have five children and as boys they really did care if one of their friends were going off the rails. I think your son does too, otherwise why would he have told YOU this anyway.
He will screech and say No No don’t tell anyone and you will say so what are we going to do about it then. I can’t just let this happen – nor can you. He is your friend. Remember your son opened this discussion he is already worried or wanting to talk about it.
I am not sure whether this is useful.
I would also like to add that as a mum, I would like to know too. but talk to your son first. I think he wants to talk this over with you.
c
Very wise advice. Thanks
Your problem may be resolved for you. If the kid was actually in jail there’s little doubt in my mind as to who would be footing the bail. Your gut’s probably right on this one. Mom may be more than aware of what’s going on; if she’s not, unfortunately in this day and age A LOT of parents get defensive and prefer not to see rather than take a hard look at their kids. Too close to taking a hard look at themselves.
No doubt that if he was in jail, mom knows way more than she wants to! Sounds like you know some “troubled” kids, huh?
Hahaha one or two:)
I know lots of kids who were potheads at that age and most turned into productive adults. I don’t remember much parental intervention or awareness.
If it was me, I would probably not say anything. I say this only from my own high school experience and not because I would not want to know if I was the mom. I would. But my hunch is that she knows. On some level, at least. And the kid will likely (hopefully) outgrow this on his own.
That’s reassuring. I knew lots of potheads too, but I have no idea what became of them. I haven’t said anything and probably won’t.
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