Bullshitia is a prescription medication for the treatment of symptoms of Hypochondragullability. Hypochondragullability is a serious medical condition. Symptoms include the strong belief that you have one or more health problems created and propagated by the marketing executives of Pharmaceutico and the willingness to take absolutely any medication your doctor may randomly prescribe for you.
Bullshitia is not for everyone. Patients who are pregnant, nursing, may become pregnant or who are the product of a pregnancy, should not use Bullshitia. Do not take Bullshitia if you have experienced an allergic reaction to Bullshitia in the past or if you are averse to adverse side effects. Call your doctor to find out if Bullshitia is right for you.
Bullshitia is safe and effective when taken as directed. Side effects have been reported and may include upset stomach, dizziness, flatulence, drowsiness, insomnia, rashes, unwanted hair, weight gain, sexual dysfunction, sensitivity to sunlight and total darkness, confusion, nervous tics, numbness of the extremities, heavy sweating, and hallucinations especially hallucinations involving a green butterfly fluttering around you as you sleep. These side effects are mild to moderate and may or may not decrease over time. If you experience any of these side effects, tough it out, you sissy. Do not stop taking Bullshitia unless directed to by your doctor because stopping Bullshitia may cause a precipitous drop in Pharmaceutico’s profit margins.
Serious side effects are rare because Bullshitia is safe and because when serious side effects are reported to Pharmaceutico, we take them seriously but pretend they were caused by something else. Rarely, if ever, do we report such side effects to the FDA, which rarely, if ever, takes any action even if we do. Stop taking Bullshitia immediately and call your doctor if you experience a sudden loss of consciousness or the cessation of all vital signs.
If you cannot afford Bullshitia, Pharmaceutico may be able to help. This generosity is made possible by the kindness of Pharmaceutico’s cold, soulless, corporate heart, and by charging obscenely inflated prices for Bullshitia to everyone else who takes it. We do this because we believe nobody, and we mean nobody, should have to go without Bullshitia.
Bullshitia should be taken with food and as many other Pharmaceutico medications as we can convince your doctor to prescribe for you. Do not operate a motor vehicle or heavy machinery or perform surgery until you know how Bullshitia affects you. Bullshitia is not known to be addictive, but severe withdrawal symptoms are likely if you dare to ever stop taking Bullshitia.
If you experience a worsening of the symptoms of Hypochondragullability while taking Bullshitia, contact your doctor as you may need a stronger dose of Bullshitia or may require additional Pharmaceutico medications.
Hilarious piece, Lisa. You DO know that these labels are what I do for a living, don’t you? Make sure they are adequate and include all known adverse events, not make them up. So I can’t really comment and remain gainfully employed.
But, did you see the Woody Allen rif on hypochondria? http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/opinion/sunday/hypochondria-an-inside-look.html?emc=eta1&_r=0
I knew you did something at the intersection of law and medicine, but I did not know you wrote those labels. I commend you – they are truly a work of art. I had not seen the Woody Allen piece, but it’s hysterical and I will promptly send it out to my email database of hypochondriacs.
I don’t write the labels — we assess whether the warnings in the labels are appropriate and contain all the information that they should. Do they reflect what science has found out about the drugs. It is very serious work for someone as silly as me.
Most of us silly people secretly have a serious side ;-D
Can’t. Stop. Laughing… and worrying that this freckle on my hand is most assuredly a sign of a rare and fatal disease.
Don’t panic. I’m sure there are medications for excessive laughter, anxiety, and unwanted freckles. Call your doctor right away.
Brilliant! Humorous, well written, and oh so very true. I have to share this! -Ilene
Thanks, Ilene! The truth is often the funniest thing out there
Reblogged this on Anything Literary and commented:
A very witty and hysterical blog post written NOT by me (I wish it had been!), but by The Big Sheep Blog. A must read!
Many thanks for sharing
My non-pharmacologically induced pleasure
Is that legal?
Good question. I’ll have to look up the number for the Law Firm of Spuriouson, Exploitson, Sham, as seen on TV for a free, no obligation consultation.
Smart woman.
This is priceless – I’m still laughing! I don’t think I can take Bullshitia, though. I’ve had severe allergic reactions in the past to a related substance, “bullshit”. When exposed to “bullshit”, I typically suffer facial flushing, high blood pressure, and irresistible compulsions to shout obscenities and slap people.
But I’ll be sure to tell my friends about Bullshitia. Because nobody should suffer unnecessarily.
Bless you, Diane. You’re as selfless and altruistic as Pharmaceutico itself.
LOL! That’s a rotten thing to say to a person…
You question my sincerity?
Simply hillarious observations. (It is advertised a lot on TV?)
Constantly, just with lots of different names.
Good hoot and nicely written. Thanks.
You’re welcome
‘Hypochondrogullability’ is a great word I haven’t read or heard until now. It should certainly be included in the English/U.S. lexicon and be used in spelling bees and ‘stump the chump’ contests.
Thank you – sometimes you just gotta make stuff up!
Reblogged this on The girl in tight shoe and commented:
totally hilarious but ironically true .
Yes, truth is way more ridiculous than fiction. Thanks for sharing the post
I’m good. My body naturally produces Bullshitia!!
I don’t know, Steve. Naturally produced Bullshitia may be dangerous – maybe you should see your doctor about that.
Sometimes I half listen to the advertisements because I like the ending where they say that taking medication X, Y, or Z may result in death…they almost always say that, it seems. It always makes me wonder how uncomfortable one must be before risking death becomes a reasonable option.
I know, right? I think I’d have to already be dead to risk taking some of these drugs!
This is too funny!! This is too true!!! You made me laugh.
Glad you had a good laugh!
Bullshitia? Hah! You’re my kinda girl!
Well, I just thought it was an appropriate name, you know? Thanks for reading
If you or a loved one experience ANY of those symptoms while taking Bullshitia, please contact us for free information. Your atty friends at Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.
Oh, Peg, you’re one step ahead of me! What’s that phone number??
OMG Where’s the big blue LIKE button. This is priceless!
I’m honored by such a compliment from none other than Mizz Snarkity Snark! Thank you
Reblogged this on Life on a Box Wine Budget and commented:
If you’ve ever really listened to the terrifying side effects of commonly prescribed drugs, you have to read this – hilarious!
I LOVE this and reblogged it to my site! Thanks
Thanks for reblogging!
I can’t say how much amusement this piece gave me, particularly since I enjoy seeing these types of commercials just so I can see what they put in the tiny print at the bottom of the screen and listen to the long list of horrific side effects. I find it hysterical that there are a few of these ads that go into such lurid detail but it’s left unclear what the drug is actually for.
But then again, I’m also the kind of girl who likes responding to mail that looks like a bill but say in fine print somewhere “This is not a bill” by printing out a fake check with fine print that states “This is not a check” and send it straight back to them.
Perhaps the lack of detail is because those drugs don’t really treat anything at all
When I watch the drug ads on TV, I wonder why anyone would even use the drugs – the side effects seem to be horrendous!
I agree. For instance, “death” is not a side effect I’m willing to put up with, no matter what ailment I’m suffering from!
Love this! Clever and really ‘hits home’. [If you experience a worsening of the symptoms of Hypochondragullability while taking Bullshitia, contact your doctor as you may need a stronger dose of Bullshitia . . ] I’ve heard that before. Sad, but true. PEACE-
Thank you! The whole prescription drug craze is absolute insanity, isn’t it?
If you or a loved one is suffering from diarrhea of the mouth, ask your doctor if Bullshitia is right for you. Some users report worsening of symptoms, including the compulsive need to constantly talk about Hypochondragullability in social settings.
A higher dose may be required…