Have you heard? Ronald McDonald is under attack for his alleged evil plot to turn little kids into lifelong fast food junkies. Whatever your opinion of fast food, it seems to me that Ronald’s opponents are operating under the mistaken assumption that little kids find the big guy appealing. Personal experience tells me that for every kid who finds clowns funny and friendly, there are three others who are scared out of their pull-ups by clowns.
Let’s take a closer look at the various features that might make Ronald terrifying to small children, shall we?
- Ghostly white complexion, reminiscent of death
- Exaggerated bright red mouth, as one might find on a crazed cannibal or flesh eating zombie
- Wild reddish orange hair, indicative of one who has had a bad hair salon experience and may be out for reckless revenge
- Super-sized yellow jumpsuit that may be concealing weapons, monsters, or a whole lot of french fry induced cellulite
- Gigantic red shoes, capable of crushing small children with one stomp
I think before we send Ron packing, we owe it to him to conduct a study and find out how many kids are being deterred from a life of fast food out of fear. Could be he’s responsible for millions of children begging their parents to stop at Whole Foods to pick up some lunch. Just a little food for thought…