No, no, not the end of civilization as we know it (although that might not be such a bad thing).
For my fellow Americans who are dismayed, disgusted, incredulous or [insert your favorite string of expletives here] outraged over the pointless and damaging shutdown of the federal government, I see a ray of hope.
Sure, the various factions seem to be holding firm to their positions, pointing fingers and laying blame, while the talking heads in the media proclaim there is no end in sight. They all blather on and on, as the ridiculous shutdown clock racks up more days and the equally ridiculous debt ceiling countdown clock edges us ever closer to doom.
But wait. Have you noticed that in recent days, John Boehner’s normally carrot-tinged bronze complexion has begun to fade to a washed-out amber color? That must mean the unthinkable has happened — the Congressional spray tan booth has fallen victim to the shutdown—yet another obvious but inconvenient consequence of, ya know, shutting down the government.
One day soon, there will be a day of reckoning, a day when John Boehner will look in the mirror and a pasty old white guy will be looking back at him. As the realization dawns on him that he is looking at himself, rather than his colleagues, he’ll cave. A vote will be held and the government will be up and running.
The sun will shine, federal workers will work, terminally ill people will have access to clinical trials, the Statue of Liberty will reopen, and the CDC will get back to the business of spreading fear and panic about a flu epidemic that will never happen. Most importantly, Speaker Boehner will collect on his back spray tan sessions, restoring him to a robust shade of pumpkin just in time for Halloween.